Snake Eyes: critic that would prefer to be blind

The cross-eyed snake

When it was just a cartoon, the G.I. Joe franchise existed above all to be able to sell Hasbro toys to brainwashed children. When it was adapted to the cinema in 2009 with G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra, it consisted mainly of a succession of action scenes with toys exploding as well as beautiful kids with beautiful kids, the breasts of the latter replacing the special effects to entertain the audience of brainwashed teenagers targeted by the film.

Surfing the wave of super-heroic craze and fantasizing about the possibilities offered by the MCU, Paramount is therefore trying to introduce its extended universe by giving an origin-story to Snake Eyes. In the first two installments, this ninja dressed all in black was played by Ray Park, the iconic interpreter of Darth Maul in Star Wars: Episode I – The Phantom Menace. In addition to benefiting from the talents of the British stuntman, the character had an essential quality: he was totally mute, leaving the insipid dialogues to Channing Tatum and others.

There you see me

Here, not only does he talk, but he now has the right to lead Henry Golding and a particularly clichéd origin story: our dashing adulterated samurai will therefore have the right to the childhood trauma of the zigouille dad and the thirst for revenge that will guide his destiny and the scenario against winds, tides and common sense.

While beaming a brawn in a cage for money, Snake Eyes is spotted by Kenta, a yakuza who offers to help find his father's killer if he agrees to work for him. When he is asked to execute Tommy, an heir to the Arashikage house who has infiltrated Kenta's gang, he decides to save him. Tommy, grateful, invites him to the house of the Arashikage clan in order to make him pass tests to allow him to enter the clan. But Snake Eyes is actually undercover on behalf of Kenta. Will he be able to avoid betrayal?

There you can't see me anymore

Snake Eyes' first big problem is its storyline, clearly aimed at 4-year-olds who will beg their parents to buy Hasbro toys until they end up in the freezer. The twists are all more phoned than a call center in Pakistan and the characters' reasonings have no logic other than to move the storyline forward. The characters are reduced to being plot vehicles, and none ever go beyond the stage of archetype or narrative tools.

No action arouses emotions, since we just have the impression of seeing boxes checked with each line spoken. Worse still, if the motivations of the main character are clearly presented to us, they prevent any attachment to the latter, who is also reduced to a function of the story. His change of attitude will arrive after nearly an hour and a half of film, on a rebound so predictable that one could almost see the screenwriter's post-it note lying around the side of the screen.

The floor is having a solid storyline

The Snake with a Thousand Visible Seams

If the Synopsis of Snake Eyes is so wonky, it's also because it constantly tries to remind you that it's a G.I. Joe movie like a child with abundant snot insisting on knowing the time of arrival. References are thus regularly made to the JOE and to C.O.B.R.A, which exists both in the background and as characters in their own right in the story, through the characters of Samara Weaving and Úrsula Corberó.

In a way as predictable as the screenplay, the film gets caught up in its attempt at hybridization and ends up in the ass between two chairs without having the flexibility of one of its martial artists. It never really chooses what it wants to tell and although it tries to tie the wagons back to its conclusion, it still feels like we've witnessed laborious set-up for a useless prequel. A conclusion that has unfortunately become commonplace in recent years...

Very realistic, these figurines

Of course, one could largely argue that these are essentially haters' comments, that Snake Eyes is first and foremost a ninja film and that the priority is above all to install a red imitation thread to put on scenes of dantesque fights. But no luck, the disappointment is just as great on that side. German director Robert Schwentke, behind the friendly Red and the bad R.I.P.D, has never shone in gunfight scenes and hand-to-hand combat scenes are no exception.

If some fights win a small smile, the few fights that dot the film almost make you miss the American Ninja era. The cutting seems totally risky, the editing does not highlight anything and even has the opposite effect, underlining the "one turn" effect of the good guy-bad guy confrontations. The film nevertheless offers potentially funny geographical settings (a truck transporting cars, an alley with an Asian-inspired look), but exploits them so little that we have the impression of witnessing a bad rip-off of bad Hong Kong movie.

Fast and Kung Fury-ous

A balance sheet all the more damaging as the cast includes in its ranks real martial artists who have already demonstrated their talent elsewhere. But Iko Uwais is treated like a rusty old Chekhov firecracker by the script, until the final climax where he has the right to crush his kneecap for a few shots. Andrew Koji will find neither the physicality of Warrior nor his writing since the actor may be invested in his role, his character as heir to heavy responsibilities is written with a digger.

The biggest collateral damage is probably Henry Golding. If we were delighted to see him as the bearer of a blockbuster, the unfortunate has absolutely nothing to play for, contenting himself with walking around with his scowl and his guttural rumbling throughout the entire feature film. In the moments of pure arrogance of the character, we are almost surprised to believe that all this is only the origin-story of Oeil Sec, his character in The Gentlemen. The idea will at least help you last the two hours that Snake Eyes lasts.

Snake Eyes is available for digital VOD purchase since September 22, 2021